Friday, March 9, 2012

"How we are, how we define and inhabit our world, how it crumbles; it's a simple story." Stephen Petronio

Ah, I've not been here in my blog-o-sphere for awhile, yet I've constantly felt the pull and presence of this space. And today I've landed here.

Last night my dance luvuhs and I went to the Joyce here in NYC and saw Stephen Petronio and his dance company (fierce, as witnessed by the photo above, but also much deeper than their impossibly cool look might convey as seen in this attached link for the new piece "The Architecture of Loss"). His quote above spurred me back to this page.

It dovetails so well with another quote that's been resonating with me recently: "Don't give up on your body." This from my dance teacher to the class as a whole, yet I really felt it sinking into my psyche. It's a simple story... how we are, how we define, how we inhabit, how we/it crumble(s).

Lately I've found myself toggling between (well, fighting against, actually) senses of how to go forward in the land of my vocation. Am I doing what I need to satisfy my bank account, my happiness, my future. My sense that I'll be working until I literally can't anymore (retirement, wha?). And a willful ignorance regarding my financial future (danger/danger=Will Robinson). I'd very recently come to terms with the idea that This Is My Life: a series of projects bringing in bits of money, some of them creatively satisfying, some merely money-making, all of them elusive on the permanence front. But here I was, defining and inhabiting my world and watching it crumble here and rebuild there.

No matter that I have always felt most happy when I have structure and am a part of a staff and working with words. This was what was happening NOW.

And in the studio, I began to notice how my strength (primarily physical) had crumbled and I had given up on my body to a very voluntary degree. I was looking at moves that I had been able to do, and I wasn't doing them anymore (didn't feel able, chalked it up to not being strong enough anymore). In a few ways I was letting it crumble, but I was also giving in.

I think there's a fine line between letting go in the moment, which allows movement, and giving up altogether leading to static paralysis. Watching the dancers last night, along with conversation with my ladies, I was inspired to move my body toward embracing its physicality again moving every day.That's where I feel best, and I'm lucky enough to be healthy enough to do just that.

And wouldn't you know it: The crumbling while not giving up, the acceptance of here and now has led to my reentry into the workforce. Starting in a week, I'm back in the full-time world, back on a masthead at Woman's Day magazine as copy editor. Where I will be lucky enough to ride my bike to work and plan financially so I can take more classes, move my body as much as possible. And with spring on its way, miHoney and I have signed up for some races where I can use my fleet feet. Sigh. a simple story. One writing and rewriting itself constantly.