Jacoby & Pronk - Mia Michaels Rehearsal

so you think you can dance?

I get a weekly astrology e-mail from Rob Brezny that I take in certain doses of seriousness (depending on my mood, etc.). But this week's actually resonated in a way that had me reading it over again a few times:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I'm not a big fan of the "No Pain, No Gain"
school of thought. Personally, I have drummed up more marvels and
wonders through the power of rowdy bliss than I have from hauling
thousand-pound burdens across the wasteland. But I do recognize that in
my own story as well as in others', hardship can sometimes provoke
inspiration. I think it may be one of those moments for you, Cancerian.
Please accept this medicinal prod from the ancient Roman poet Horace:
"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents that in times of prosperity
would have lain dormant."

While I'm not living in the land of deep adversity at present, I am in a mode of needing to unearth some talents that I wasn't sure I had. A lot of it is beginning again/facing challenges that are a bit unnerving.

I started a new job and while it's happily working a part of my writing/organizational brain that's lain dormant for awhile (ok, actually i'm also excavating a part of my brain that's never been used: namely the left side having to do with medical terms and such), I also realize how impatient I am regarding my own learning curve, basically that i only give myself about an hour before i think i should have it all down. It's like i know logically that's an outrageous demand, somehow my ego thinks i'm different and capable of superhero-like immediate intelligence.

So, there's that. Then there's also this moment with my book proposal: the agent I contacted is awesome and giving me good notes on what to do in order to give the overview and chapters the most punch so publishers will say YES, let's buy this idea and have this woman write the book. The thing is...i hate rewriting because somehow i think of it as having to...yes, start again. (Even though i realize revisiting is really more what's going on. Reworking. Remodeling. Reaffixing.) Again, my ego says What? it's not perfect the first time? Well, no, it's not.

In other movement: I'm taking a class taught by one of my favorite people, and she's kicking my ass. Breaking down moves that i kind of thought i knew but realize i'd fallen into a habit of laziness with, and i'm surprised at how resistant my body has gotten about correcting. I've had moments where i thought Did I ever know how to execute this spin correctly in the first place? At the S studio, I'm also in a new place, and that's a lovely challenge on a whole other level to do with honesty and rawness.

There's new territory being forged with mi honey. And the heart-land is a place that scares me like no other. it's a landscape so totally foreign to me (read: trust, patience, resting in each other's arms) that it's like starting a new language. Even if we're learning it together, it's still a surprise.

I'm getting that life is always about the flexibility and willingness to grow, move through things, take the learning, leave behind the stucked-ness. Start again. Right now, although it seems that everything's rolling at once, i know there's a rhythm to it. It's just me slowing down and appreciating, paying attention to, the steps. not being afraid to do a little cha-cha-cha.

I'm including a video (see above) by my favorite dancers choreographed by a woman who I think brings the challenge of movement like no other: Jacoby and Pronk with Mia Michaels. (also recently posted on one of my other favorite blogs: Arial Amy)

SeeSaw

This morning on my run I passed a sign for a nearby playground with a picture of a seesaw on it (the fact that there wasn't actually a seesaw in the playground, or come to think of it, ever a seesaw that i've seen in an NYC playground made me want to find one somewhere. but i digress). It got me thinking about the nature of trust, balance and what we see and don't see right in front of us.

In the last week I've started this new job where I work primarily on my own and that can be really peaceful, but also somewhat stressful in that I'm not totally sure the process of how the whole thing works yet. But it's coming slowly and I'm starting to trust that I'm not completely f$*&ing it up, yet I realize that not having the ability to just walk across an aisle and ask someone is actually a bit awesome&terrifying. I've been ruminating on the nature of dependency: How there's sometimes a little buzzing need under the surface of the skin to be able to look out and see yourself reflected in another human, whether that's someone doing a similar something or just someone you want to be there.

The thing about the seesaw is that there is someone working with you, balancing out the activity, and you might have your eye on them, but you can't really get any closer than you are. there's trust they'll do what they need to in order that the rhythm keeps going, or you agree to stop. And, as I remember it from my seesawing days, sometimes the someone on the other end drops out of view, below the line of vision, for just a split second—or maybe that was just when I closed my eyes—but in any case, the sense of flying solo, yet being supported is magnificent.

I've been having that seesaw reminder in a particular relationship at present, where a certain amount of trust is called into action because although that someone may seem out of emotional sight lines for the moment, they haven't jumped off the ride altogether, and hopefully are gaining some momentum and free-flying fun of their own. Yet then when eyes do meet across the space, there's a gladness to know said person's there, figuring out the right balance, speed, etc.

Often in class during the dance i feel the give-and-take presence of who's on the other side, balancing out the rhythm in the room. and while my eyes are often closed, I can feel they're all there and putting just as much faith into the movement as I am. they might be surprised that we're going faster or slower, but generally we're all in it together.

As i lift and fall through these moments I'm glad to know I'm sharing the balance, yet can also feel my legs getting stronger with each proverbial push.

a Goldilox moment

Looking for the just-right. Interesting how that can be such a time-killer, a way to put off the settling down and in. Yesterday was the first day of some newness. I've taken on a freelance job that is not dependent on me showing up anywhere and I got a go-ahead to polish up a couple of things so that the agent I'd submitted my book proposal could shop it around. Both of these things are awesome, and also dependent on me getting on with it! So, of course it was crucial that I spend the first half of the day wandering around from location to location to find a spot that would be perfect for me to sit down and work. It had to be a table with a chair, some sunshine, but not too much that it would obscure my computer screen, maybe some music on in the background, but not too loudly...easy, right? hah. First I went to a local cafe, bought coffee, set myself up and found out they didn't have wi-fi access. hmmm. ok, took my coffee and wandered by Starbux. no. Came back to the apartment and went into the common garden. Literally went from table to table (there are three) and chair to chair (there are six, and two benches) and sat down at/in each. looked around at the view. What did I want to look at? What did I want to feel? By this time 2 full hours had gone by (and the kids at the play area next door were let out to frolic....oops, too much noise). After finding a table that worked, I sat there for another hour until I realized I was freezing and hungry. I finally came upstairs and settled down at my desk to finish off my work. Seriously: too big, too small, too hot, too cold...looking for the just right and realizing there's really no such thing from the outside in.

I kind of remembered this thinking about how when i'm in a writing groove, I could probably be hanging from my ankles (more about this later) and still go forward with the story. Which also reminded me that the romantic vision of how freeing it is to be your own boss is often much stronger as a wish than a reality. Writers might be singularly set up to be solo creatures, yet it can still be eerie to not speak to anyone for hours on end.

So yesterday I realized that just-right is whatever i decide it is, which will help me to stop avoiding the just-get-down-to-it.

And about hanging from my ankles (really this will tie into the just-right moments as well): Yesterday, while challenging/spinning/climbing through a new class (what's become one of my favorite hour's of the week), my teacher was watching me swing through a move i've done (in theory) many many times before, tho not under her tutelage. As she observed that I was stepping off on the wrong foot, and as I listened and corrected and then proceeded to step off on the wrong foot again and again, she said, that instinct must be somewhere deep in your body. Yes, see, i always thought i was doing it just right...and somewhere inside i stubbornly couldn't let that go, even tho i totally understood that it wasn't correct, in fact made the move harder. After class I was lucky enough to be in attendance at an open rehearsal for one of my favorite set of dancers, Jacoby & Pronk. As I sat in a dance studio with only about 15 other people watching these amazing bodies talking through routines and practicing over and over choreography they'd done many many times before, they became stuck on one move.
Drew Jacoby said, "Hmmm, maybe this motion is too deep in my body and I can't get to it anymore." And, there it is, i thought, the just-right. we think we've got it, but even if it shifts ever-so-little, it'll trip the whole thing out of focus. so spinning into the too big, the too little, the just right and making it our own, that's the challenge.

Now I'm off to eat some porridge and break some chairs (metaphorically speaking).

PS. if you're anywhere in the tri-state NYC area this saturday (14th), try to go to this Jacoby&Pronk performance/fundraiser. they're so deserving of the support and spotlight that will be shining on them! Here's a link:
http://jacobypronk.com/go/party.html