the men in my life

oh my cool and groovy dad (check the sideburns). He's still cool and groovy, though the sideburns don't look quite the same. He instilled in me a lot of things: love of reading and all things words, appreciation of art (him being a graphic designer and all, though I can't draw a straight line to save myself, i like how they look. i like the squiggly ones, too), a passion for music, and most important, the ability to look around me without judging the who or what I see. Even though this last quality is something I fall down on all the time (and I suspect he has his share of that, as well), it's something I'm so appreciative for having grown up with that I keep on paying attention. As an only child there were plenty of chances for me to get spoiled. Then as an only child of divorced parents, the scales shifted slightly, but the luck fell on the side of me never feeling pulled by one parent's judgment toward the other. Instead I had a pretty great freedom in taking each for who they were, untainted by the crazy anger you often see/hear about in really gnarly splits.

As life rolled on, my dad's cool factor maintained even into my teenage-hood. The fact he bought me almost all of Elton John's albums (yes, vinyl. yes, I melted for Elton John. I also adored Freddie Mercury. Big crush on both. Wanted to marry them.No idea that I was on the wrong team. This confusion regarding radar may have lasted into my later years...) and the memory of me explaining to him the profoundness of the lyrics to "The Bitch Is Back"—yikes, I wish I could remember what made them, er, profound—makes me realize how determined I was to have him understand the things I enjoyed. Even when he came, decades later, to meet me for lunch at the airport hotel where, as a reporter with Spin, i was stationed for a music convention featuring many metal bands, and the elevator door opened into the lobby where he stood and watched me step out followed by all manner of crazy-haired, tattooed, leather-wearing rock guys did he seem to doubt my choices (though I think he did ask "What exactly are you here to do?"). And that, I realize, has instilled me with a great fearlessness.

Although I'm often confused about my choices, usually in retrospect (see Elton John, Freddie Mercury mentions above), I do think that taking my first steps into a decision, taking a chance, grabbing an opportunity even if it vaporizes in my hands, is something I've been given because of his belief in me. That while looking at the situation with clear eyes is important, if there's an inkling that it can be achieved, enjoyed, learned from...then why not?

It's taken me quite awhile to let the right one in as far as my romantic heart goes. I've given it away plenty of times inappropriately even if the receiver didn't realize I was actually giving it (again, see EJ and FM mentions above), but I've never given and received equally as I'm getting to do in my life right now. I'm also making the acquaintance of the part of me that could be referred to as my masculine side, which I think is more just about that inner power that feels dominant and is more expressed by men. In the studio lately I've been a bit of a beast. Not in an altogether menacing way (tho I did try to follow one of my classmates around for an entire song and take over whatever chair or pole she was using, but she seemed to enjoy the give and take). It feels more like in an exploratory investigation where it's fun to strut and beat my chest a bit (not quite literally) and because this activity is assigned mostly to men, it's thought of as a primarily male attitude. But I'm enjoying the outlet and am quite absolutely sure that because of the men in my life—really all of them in one way or another, but two very particularly right now—that I can enjoy that part of me without fear of judging by either myself or someone else.