give it away, give it away, give it away, now

Across the street, down the hall, sitting next to me, right upstairs. I would just hand myself over. I'm not talking purely sexual here, but just all of me inside and out. Like a game of hot potato, I would toss myself to the nearest set of proverbial hands. I was on the cusp of teenager. I didn't know what to do with the power I had that was growing every day. The draw, sexuality, humor, intensity, emotion: I gave it up fast, then slipped away, arms wrapped tightly round myself, feeling I was safer in someone else's more capable hands. I thought all that newly found stuff would detonate me sky-high, so better someone else hold it for awhile.

And there was more: The rest of it had to do with being liked, agreeable. And that, to me, meant giving the people what they wanted. Letting them take up as much space inside of me as they chose, get as warmed by my fire as they needed. But the upshot to all this passing around of smiles&soul was that I wouldn't save enough space and warmth for myself. Funny thing is, until recently (possibly only hours ago), I thought I still did that. Everyone else above and beyond. But I'm learning that I give much less away than I think I do. Even when I wonder to myself why I said Yes to one more (metaphorical) embrace, I realize I decided.

I recently made a decision to do something that I knew would feel good, and I didn't fixate on whether the moment would build into more. I knew I was safe and I literally sank into it knowing I'd find yummy treats, then I walked away smiling. Not caring if the situation ever happened again because this was all I needed and it was good. And it was up to me, and I felt warm and spacious. So apparently, I don't give away as much as I think. It's all perspective anyway. Rather, I find what I need, share what I want and willingly leave the rest behind.