upended

today on my run through the local park, I saw so many trees on their side, completely uprooted by this last weekend's wind fury. Big, fat sturdy trunks with many rings to show their age laying down and ready to become chipped and start their life as some other substance like mulch or a wall or sawdust on the floor of a bar.

Can you still care for something even if it resembles not at all what it used to be? I've been grappling with this as i continue to fully give in to grieving the relationships that i thought were most important to me. The ones i gave my heart to and then chose to take my heart back from, though i know that pieces of me are still held with those people who i've loved and them with me. I realize that i'm okay without them but the landscape really looks different. I'm not sure about the new view, though i do know it is a much much better and stronger one where i feel taller and more sure of myself. What I'm not sure about is whether after all the shape-shifting, i'll be interested in making a connection again. Or will i be fine with having moved on? I've always felt a bit guilty about leaving things, but I'm sensing that sometimes there are expiration dates on experiences for a reason.

The end of 2009 became the year of letting go of all the sturdy things i thought i'd always have to hold on to, swing from, lean on and shelter under in good and bad. That it's been my choice to move away from that is really interesting as I'm always pretty sure that i'll be the one left rather than the leaver. Apparently that is not at all true, which is a both strengthening and terrifying realization to find out about myself. Okay, i made up that terrifying part...it's actually really empowering, and with that comes responsibility, and i could say that's the scary part, but, hell, it's high time to step into it.

I chose to upend myself from California just over 25 years ago and i never had any doubt that i'd find a way to make a home in NYC. I never actually knew what the path would look like, but i did trust that some things would move me forward, and even as I find myself now with the most amazing friends in my life (from here and all along the way to the west coast), the most challenging financial balancing act, the best moments that keep me physically moving and feeling my power, I realize that if I just trust and listen, I'll be fine with whatever shape those uprooted moments take on in my life. If they become the sawdust that sprinkles the floor as I raise a toast, then cheers. I'll get the next round.