yooHoo...

...over here, there's something i clearly want to show myself. it's pretty amazing how in paying attention to paying attention, in wanting to feel. every. thing. that occassions are coming up where i'm completely caught off guard in the intensity department.

Here i've been rolling along staying open to what arrives in my life, trying to put aside judgments about me and how i do things, looking to stay soft and make no hard rights or lefts into the shadows of what i think is real, etc. and whoop, there it is: A moment that delivers a surprising bruise through the very action that i opened myself up to and was eager to receive.

A couple of weeks ago i felt like it was time to expand my circle of fun and possibilities when it came to dating and jumped back onto the online trolley. i immediately noticed that my approach to this was night-and-day different from a couple of years ago when i was taking this ride. Back then i was really earnest about profiles (mine and others), what message they delivered, responding to every e-mail, weighing the pros and cons of second dates, etc. It was all really extremely exhausting. This time I decided to just go with the flow, check the site when I felt like it, respond to/send e-mails if the person seemed interesting, no rush, just go with it. In communicating with a couple of people, I set up some dates. one guy was nice, wanted to get together again, but i had no interest, and instead of laboring over "Oh-mi-gawd, he wants to go out again and i don't and what should i do?" I let myself be honest about it. One small step for dating, one huge step for me.

Another guy i felt more curious about, so set up a second date. He offered to make dinner at his. I gauged the safety-meter of my intuition and said yes. Lovely dinner, good food, cold beer, entertaining conversation. As it was coming to an end, the mood shifted toward something more physical and here's where my yooHoo moment whispered in my ear. As soon as the airspace between this guy and i began to shrink, my awareness of whether i wanted this or not began to expand. I couldn't suspend. whereas before i may have checked myself emotionally and had a well-so-this-is-happening-let's-see-where-it-goes moment, instead I felt myself on the verge of tears. Like seriously riding a wave of sadness. i felt totally taken by surprise in that i'd never had such a strong reaction to a moment like this. i could not step away from myself in this instance. And then the full emotion tumbled over me...and i actually started to cry. I'm fairly certain he was confused by the suddeness of actual tears rolling down my face. I was certainly stunned. it was surreal, yet absolutely real. Inside my yooHoo voice was saying You can't do this the way you used to, and i couldn't ignore the insistency, nor did i want to anymore. aaah. feel. every. thing.

so i left. couldn't get to the subway fast enough and kept wondering What triggered this? trying to look for actual real events in the evening: beer? (not enough to take me there.) food? (pasta rarely makes me weep.) something he said? (standard-issue conversation, no emotional kitten stories or anything.) I remembered something my teacher had said a week ago after I shed a piece of clothing during my dance that i always thought made me feel safe. she observed: you don't need that layer anymore. you think you do, but you're not there any longer. And there it was. In uncovering myself to myself, i can't anymore step outside of my experiences and wait in the corner while my body partakes, often numbly. my love life used to be a series of voices from the other room. and now those days are done. and while this is utimately a very very good thing, it was totally unsettling in the moment. like that feeling you have when you angle to return to something you know because it's familiar, yet you also know doesn't actually work anymore but think, well maybe if i can just stay there a little longer. yooHoo, guess what? probably not.

I sat on the train and before i could call any judgment on what had just happened (feeling silly or annoyed with myself), i remembered that i'd been asking for this. wanting to be open. to soften. to feel. and here it was. damn, i didn't think it would be so public. so this was what it meant to have the courage to be messy, to let metaphorical-mascara roll down my face in public. maybe i'll add that to my dating profile: kleenex optional.