all ears

From my dad i got my ears...sticky-outey moments that probably came in handy when my parents needed to grab me as i was attempting getaways. I got the color of my eyes from both my mom and my dad: blue. I think i got my mom's smile. of course, these are just the physical attributes. From both of them I know I got a sense of how it feels to be loved wholly and completely, even if i sometimes pretended otherwise.
so, receiving. Never been much good at it. better at giving it all away. For instance, this week at work there was a blood drive. I gave some the last time the red cross rolled through here in January. Truthfully, I did it for the blue snuggie they were giving away, and didn't think much about what's involved when you donate blood. So when they laid me on the gurney thing, hooked up the big-ass needle into my vein and left me there for what seemed like days (ok, probably a half hour), i was a bit startled and when it was over, i left clutching my cozy prize feeling woozy. Then I gave the snuggie thing away to my neighbor because...i wanted to. This week the red cross were back with their needles and their prizes. my workmate got a Barnes&Noble gift card. I was eyeing the gasoline coupon, not because i own a car, but because i'm going away next weekend to stay at a friend's house upstate and thought This is the perfect thing to give her for hostessing me (and driving). The guy i work with pointed out that it seemed interesting how i was going to do something that made me queasy not to get a goodie of my very own, but so that i could get something to give away. (The fact that i actually missed the blood drive altogether by miscalculating their hours actually points to the fact that i really wasn't that commited to the giving one way or t'other.)

Back three years ago, when I started at S, my teacher at the time used to say, "I see what you're doing, letting everyone else in class go ahead of you [on the pole, in the dance, etc.] until there's very little time for you to do your thing." And a lot of that had to do with me being uncomfortable with receiving attention and kinda thinking i didn't want to hog up that time. But here's the thing: I love attention! I love the spotlight. In the studio, I constantly crawl to where it shines its warmth on the floor. I want to be seen. And lately I've been able to channel that during my dance. Stay with the moment and let the power of who I can be rise up and hold me to the spot so I can receive the strength from those watching and supporting me. I also feel the confidence in expressing myself.

Now, to dance that into my moments outside the studio. To sink back and receive with stillness and gratitude. I have amazing people and situations in this thing called my life. (and in fact, even as i'm writing this, i'm pondering the etiquette of responding to the many FB posts of Happy Birthday on my wall. Hmmm, i'm thinking, should i reply individually so they know how glad i am to hear from them, or just click the Like/thumbs-up button? or do nothing at all and let all the messages just roll in? such is the challenge of my receiving instinct.) I wonder if it's a muscle that just needs to be flexed to get stronger? the way I make my physical self stronger, I think my inner self is working out/training, too.

Storytime: When I was 16, I went to the prom with my first real boyfriend, Dan. He was in my guitar class and we'd met while rehearsing Rush's 2112 show, which we were performing for students, parents and the like. I was a singer, he played the electric guitar. (During the first performance a man in the audience had a seizure when the 20 of us in the chorus exposed our collective white-painted faces from our black hooded capes all at once. apparently it was quite a shock...but i digress.) Dan and I thought we were too cool for school--literally. we skipped classes a lot so we could make-out behind the gym. I'm pretty sure that's also where the idea began to form that i didn't need the same expressive boyfriend-stuff that other girls did. (Read: flowers, love letters, stuffed animals, formal asked-out-on-dates moments.) It's maybe a small miracle that we even went to the prom, tho i do remember we kind of made fun of it, and that corsage he brought me (in the picture) was supposed to be a joke. But here's the thing: deep down in me, it was no joke. I liked receiving all those romantic things, I just pretended that I didn't, cuz I thought it was geeky to like them. Actually, I thought I wouldn't get them, so better to front that they were silly.

And a circle was formed. One I've spun inside of for my many years going forward. Even in my marriage, I played it like the receiving wasn't important, and that drifted into the emotional moments as well. So now i'm gonna say it! I like the receiving and whatever comes my way, i'm going to stay in it, all eyes, ears and heart open.