Forgiveness. i've been meaning to look into this for a long time, but naturally have managed to avoid it for a long time. The spaces in between are where i've escaped to. That's what i normally do: disappear into that wide chasm and not look too closely right or left. It's been four years pretty much to the day since the motorcycle with him on top rode out of NYC and i began again. For a long time after, when i'd go out for a run I would not look to my left because that was where he had been when we ran together, side by side. A friend of mine observed how ironic it would be if i got mowed over by something approaching from the left, just cuz i refused to look that way. Well, a little bit, that's what's happening now. The force of my need to look and see is hitting me upside the head. And there I am beginning to crack open.
What's inside of me to forgive? that's where i start. He loved me as much as he could, given that he had a hard time loving himself. Whatever happened inside of our moments together were two people living it out. Wherever he went in those other spaces of exploration that he craved did not have to do with me. he wasn't out to annihilate me. But there were consequences in that double life because we were sharing something together. but now that we're not, however he's sorting his stuff, it's his to hold.
How do I hold my own inside of what was us? lighten up and let myself off the hook? yes, i hid inside of us while willfully keeping the blinders in place. i did not at all honor those murmurings of desire inside of me. i was afraid of getting messy, falling apart. so, ok. that's where i lived. i know everything is a gift to learn from. the door is there (just to my proverbial left) for me to open, to walk through and roll around. to get messy with it. i've mentioned how lately in the studio i've wanted to be up, aloft. I hear music and i literally imagine myself being lifted up, up, up. when the crescendo of notes happens it's intense. and when i lose my mind there with the music and movement, i let myself just have all of the wonder that has nothing to do with the thinking. suddenly i feel the ceiling under my hand and realize i've climbed to the top, then i let myself come down slowly without the intention of thinking. It's the place i stop holding on so tightly with my mind and let my body do the gripping and supporting. i stop wondering why things don't seem to stick and i start celebrating how it all falls apart because it's actually really amazing to fall. a. part. a friend/classmate observed the other day that my movement reminded her of an accordian: i can be really pulled in and small and then i need to open out legs and arms spanning and stay there for a bit. that's where my breath comes. this is a recent development. i've been terrified of being that open and seen because i think no one could possibly want to see that. but this isn't for anyone else. i pull in, open up, fall apart for me to learn. for(me to)give.
So i forgive. myself for hiding, for ignoring, for holding on hoping the earth wouldn't shift and pitch me off. but it constantly shifts and pitches. that's the point. i fall off. yes, it felt good to own my anger and have him be a witness to it. and even to send him to the proverbial cornfield. to unfurl a distance. i did that. that's done now. what's not done yet is me turning and stepping to my left where the forgiveness lives. of course i can do this. do i want to? loosen my grip on myself and run with it. see where that road takes me and not mind being smacked upside the head. see what happens.
It's what happens up to :48 and then again at 4:08 that really interests me. staying in it and feeling everything.
No comments:
Post a Comment