Yesterday morning on the subway, I glanced up to see a beginning unfold before my eyes. It seemed pretty brave and it made me smile. It also made me realize how often seeing a situation happen outside of myself shines a bit of illumination on something going on right in my own self's neighborhood.
Onto the crowded morning-rush A train came an amazing girl (no disrespect, she was probably in her early 20s.... plus us ladies are all girls in our own special way, and i actually like that word almost as much as i like dame or babe or chickie or, well, i'll add to the list later). anyway, i was sitting down, she was standing above me and as i glanced up i saw this awesome confidence in just how she swayed a little to the music in her headphones, how she knew people were looking at her in her tight jeans and white t-shirt, but played coolly unaware. Probably used to attention. One stop later, a guy got on: her age, impossibly smooth looking, ear-buds in place, in his own world. They ended up next to each other holding the same pole. somehow in the course of more stops/people on&off, they became face-to-face. He was throwing some furtive glances at her, she didn't seem to notice (but of course she did know). At one point as the train lurched, her hand slipped down the pole and brushed against his. She looked at him, mouthed I'm Sorry. He smiled, nodded, then went back to the cool facade, then stole another look, then went back to being cool, but only for a minute. It was as if he maybe realized that at some point her stop would come...the moment would be lost. he took out his earplugs, leaned in and asked her name. She didn't respond at first, but then slowly took out her own earplugs and said something. By this point I'd totally abandoned reading my book and became this sideline cheerleader. Come ON, I kept thinking. Hurry Hurry, she's gonna get off the train. Then came my stop, which was hers, too, because as i looked back i saw him typing madly into his device, his cool demeanor of the last half hour gone completely, as she moved toward the door telling him what he asked (I assume/hope). And she looked pretty pleased, too.
Yay!
Beginnings: heart beats. My friend B wrote to me earlier about how exciting they are, and I could finally agree with her because i find myself in the middle of a beginning that is really different from how i've begun before. Usually I would be someone who'd claim to really not like them: something new, uncomfortable, not sure of the lay of the land, not sure how to act, what to say, who to be. It would take a while for me to relax into it all and be myself. But suddenly, amazingly and surprisingly, I find myself in a place where I'm not negotiating how to be in this beginning. I'm just in it. Eyes open. I realize that before in similar situations, I've held back and watched cautiously because i wasn't sure i'd be met in my desire. i'd wander down the relationship road keeping a distance and observing a bit from afar looking for clues. A little bit of the safety dance: one step forward, a little shuffle back.
Here's where the change has happened: In the middle of this beginning, I'm being heard. Being received. And I'm getting to do the same in return. And there's time. None of the Uh-oh, better-dazzle-in-order-to-make-this-stick-quickly-before-he-fades-away feeling. Slowing down and letting myself be seen&see, felt&feel. I've been really moving toward that in my darkened room of dance, but this is the first time i've brought it out into the light of day and wrapped it around another human being. not as a net, but as an embrace.
!!!!
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