peek-a-boo

This morning the annoying beep-beep-beep alarm went off and it was still dark outside. and it was dumping rain. and the wind was whipping around. and i was meant to go out and run some miles. Now i'm not at all weird about running in the rain. In fact some of my most enjoyable runs have been while sopping wet from the raindrops falling on my head. (One in particular: in central park with my running partner S where we were late to the race due to waiting for someone who never showed, didn't have our numbers because said waiting-for person had them, and it was as close to oz-like, taxi-cabs-flying-sideways weather as mamma nature could muster. yet we said f%$k it and crossed over the start line. We were rewarded for our decision by being so far behind that the elite runners caught up with us during their second round of the park. We pretended we were part of their pack for, oh, 3o seconds until they passed us. they not even noticing us, us noticing that one of these things was not like the other.) But this morning was different. I was cozy and happy right where i was. somehow it seemed ridiculous to leave that moment of just-rightness for an experience that seemed borderline insane.

It made me wonder about that stubborn part of me that has trouble letting go. the little voice that plays peek-a-boo by popping up and deciding i'm not doing it right because i'm doing it differently. I mean, i'm having the time of my life right now—coming at a point when I was ready and capable to embrace the time of my life—and it doesn't really look anything like what has gone before. A dancer friend (who I've also had an amazing run-in-the-rain experience with) mentioned to me that maybe this knee injury has been a blessing, giving me more moments to spend inside of this new and wonderful relationship without disappearing out the door every weekday(end) morning at 6. Even as i write this, i feel the stab of conscience whispering, "but don't get lazy. don't give up your goals." And honestly, that is far from what I plan to do. In fact, my idea is to enhance my goals and be more energized by having someone in my life to share them with. But in order to do that, I have to relax around these somewhat rigid rules i've put in place for myself that are sometimes in danger of interrupting my ability to be ... just be.

I do think we spur each other on in inspiration as long as it comes from a place of support and not fear. For instance, if I'm freaking out about my own stiff restrictions, then i'm too busy with that to be much help in supporting someone else in their pleasure. I know in class that when i watch someone and it takes my breath away, that's because i sincerely love the beauty of what I am seeing, rather than worrying about whether I could do that. And we enhance each other. This same dancer friend who commented on my knee, had also in the past reminded me of the symbiosis of relationships, and i realize that while i do that with my women friends—recognize the equality of what we give back and forth—I have in past relationships with boys forgotten how much i bring to the party. so this is new (have i mentioned that already?), and a really good opportunity for me to lighten up on those old scripts that have piled up on my mind's shelf. the ones that read: Don't do what makes you happy if it could in any way, shape or form upset the order of the boy-moment (rather than: I'm deciding not to run right now because there appears to be a monsoon happening outside) or Be sure to not ask for help because he'll be annoyed and go away (rather than: Hey, if I'm going to get this done, I'll need you to support me, and you'll get to see me even happier, which in turn will make you even happier). And sometimes I'll hear No, and that will be just fine. And sometimes I'll say No, and that, too, will be peachy-keen. And often it won't look anything like I think it will and, wow, that'll be awesome.

And this I can see full on, no more peeking-boo round the corner.