LA. Land of my youth. land of my leaving. land of my ex (recently). land being reclaimed (now). I was there last week for Thanksgiving and the city was tinged with a slightly different light. A good portion of my favorite people are there (father and friends), and I loved seeing them, still flashed on and visited places that make me smile (Fred's, Le Figaro, Jumbo's, the offramp on the 5 where last year, when Led Zeppelin's "Dancing Days" came on the radio, I became a teenager again and sang the lyrics out the window into traffic...loudly), but this time I didn't feel pulled between there and here. I just felt happy to be there and just as happy to be coming back to NYC. I did give thanks in what a difference a year makes. Especially when I went to the studio to take a class.
Last November something most definitely cracked open in me after an immersion class in the LA studio. I think of it as the beginning of my realization of how much i needed to slow down and let myself be seen--and to feel everything i did. everything. And so began a chain reaction of events throughout this last year that dipped into darkness, lifted into light and oftentimes simply coasted on curiousity regarding who i was becoming. For that I am extremely thankful and happy. This year as I sat on the floor in class, not knowing anyone and feeling fine about that, the comment I heard after my dance was to be more selfish. to hold more for myself. not give it away (which given my recent experiences as I show people my apartment to sublet is something I should just tattoo on my arm: Do Not Give It Away. eeek.) But I sense a theme: altho for maybe the first time in front of a new teacher I wasn't told to breathe, I was asked to see what it would be like to think of what I want first and move from there. This is an interesting moment for me. Especially as it would be the first time being in a relationship where I didn't put him in front of me. But in understanding that the essence of selfish in a good way is to support and live out the best that i have to offer unabashedly--kind of like in the airplane safety video that everyone ignores about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first--I'm feeling my way toward what it's like to understand and express my own happiness without it being parceled out and dependent on anyone else. Yes, it's true that I'm smiling most when the people i care about are in my life, but i'm also a grinning fool when something seems to be going a bit awry yet it's not the end of the world. Ok, so sometimes i may just feel the fool and/or the grin is more like a grimace, but the moment comes and the moment goes. And I'm still breathing.
This year in LA, the moments were sweet and funny and even featured a grimace, but as they dropped from the sky, I took them happily for myself first and found I had plenty of air to share from there.
No comments:
Post a Comment