...dancing as fast as i can...

this line actually occurs to me a lot (and reminds me of the movie of the same name starring the awesome Jill Clayburgh [RIP] that came out at a time in my life when everything was so important, and it seemed every movie of the time had so much to say to me. C'mon: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Blade Runner, Tron-ferCrissakes! wow, now i've really digressed...).

As I was mentioning earlier, the sense of dancing to keep up is something I've hit against this week. I had a huge moment of feeling like i was moving my feet, but i wasn't getting anywhere, and there were so many places I felt I needed to get. It didn't occur to me to just stand still and breathe. It also didn't occur to me that these moments I was tussling with were luxurious ones to have. (As a friend used to put it when we'd all commiserate after class about our life, our life, our life. oh, the drama, mostly they were luxurious problems.)

Moment: Somewhere around Monday I felt overwhelmed because I'd taken on two new book projects to edit and freaked out that I'd never have time to work on them. Luxury: two different publishing houses feel i do a good enough job that they want to pay me for freelance projects. This is not a problem.

Moment: On Tuesday, the Kickstarter fundraising was a day away from ending with us still short of our goal money for the Pole Play. Luxury: Within the 36 hours we had left, money came in to take us above and beyond what we needed—and this included backing from a friend who I hadn't been in touch with for awhile and whose generosity totally reminded me that people don't disappear from your life (unless you really want them to).

Moment: On Wednesday the class assignment was not moving me. We were meant to think on what we would want to be when we grew up (still an act in progress, apparently), and of course all that was tumbling in my mind was Well I wanted to be a ballerina, to ride a pony, to be a princess...but really I've been happy in what career i went toward and experienced. I thought if i went in as the little girl, playing something that moved me from my youth (led Zeppelin, thank you), that I could see where it took me. After putting on a little skirt and socks, and adding in the tall shoes, cuz why not?, one of my classmates said, "Oh, you wanted to be a groupie when you grew up." Ha...that was kind of true. To have control of the male gaze, to not be afraid of my sexuality, that was probably closer to the case...but as a career move...yikes. My dance started off with the tease but ended with me pulling off the skirt and not giving a f&k if anyone paid attention or not. Luxury: C's comments: "I'm glad you took off that skirt, because your power lives underneath it and you're beginning to not be afraid of it being seen and felt." (Now I'll await the call to speak at Career Day...)

Moment: On Thursday, I found myself yearning for one household to live in, rather than the funny back and forth I'm doing now between my honey's and mine. I was impatient with no bites on my sublet ads and the real estate guy who was enlisted to put out the word. Luxury: A couple of people have dropped me a line interested in seeing the space. Also, and even more important, this so-called problem comes because of love. This is not a problem.


The view from my window that someone else will soon be lucky enough to see...