a view

I've just gotten a chance to peek into myself from the outside looking in. Not by way of an out-of-body experience, but instead through the lens of a camera. I was in a darkened room with a pole, a velvet-curtained wall, a wooden floor. I had picked some music that I knew would help me move, and that i also knew the words to. I was wrapped up in clothing that made me feel both exposed and free, but also pieces that reminded me that i was enclosed in them (laces crisscrossing up my legs tightly; a corset with stays and hooks pressing in when i moved a certain way). The woman who took the shots was so cool. Just a presence really. And when I did hear her, it wasn't intrusive as in "You look fabulous, baby" but more "Wow, stay there for just a minute more." And I did. Stay there. I'm still there, apparently. And it's challenging.

At the first full view of the photos, I had to look away a lot because they(me) made me uncomfortable. I kept thinking Who is that staring back at me? What is she thinking with her hands there on her body? How did she get to the place where she's even in front of this camera? The moments that had me most kerfluffled were the ones where I'm looking right into the camera. It seems like I'm asking for something. An invitation to come find me in here, to understand that now more than ever I can expose flaws and all without tucking into a ball and rolling away. There's also a hint of wondering if someone else might know more than me who I am and where I'm going. the unwavering glance suggests that the question is mostly aimed inward.

When the pictures were being snapped, I knew i wanted to be playful with the camera, but as with most intentions, that didn't really end up happening (except at the end when I felt like I was swinging-round the maypole). Instead I really felt a pure sensuality and at times the camera became my lover (and a fleeting vision of how he would feel while seeing the pictures spurred me on in those moments), but more than that, I felt safe in the exposure. Moving through the layers of the places my movement has taken me—how the dance and the emotional intertwine.

There were a couple of moments when i felt a sort of wardrobe malfunction happen and i'd think, damn, that's probably more than i want to show...but even still, bumps, bulges and all, that was mostly very far from my mind. In fact, feeling and seeing All.Of.It is a place I continue to move into slowly. And these photos really showed me that my eyes are more open to it all than they've ever been. And so follows the rest of me.

I keep looking at these shots and teasing out the moments of where i am now (ever-changing, i know): from someone whose normally been challenged to not make a face when facing a lens to someone whose curious enough to keep on looking. a little bit challenging. a dash of defiance and a shake of a question. I find myself wanting to hold the gaze.