So I came across that quote the other day and it occurred to me that I've apparently never really wanted to be free. yikes. Sure, I've told myself that I have, but i think when it comes right down to it, Hells, no...the unknown seems too scary. I'm a girl that likes to know (where I'm going, how long it will take, what I may find), to the extent that I used to do dry runs out to the new schools I was teaching workshops in, just so I'd know what travel weirdness I'd have to deal with so as not to be surprised on my first morning of class. I'm also often early for appointments, leading to occasional trouble. (like the time I showed up for a possible tutoring job a half-hour early and while waiting on the stoop managed to help get my potential employer's cat stolen. I didn't mean to do that. At the time it seemed like a good idea to help the "rescue" lady who turned up and put the collar-less, rather mangy cat that I'd been petting in her car to go get shots and a bath. The fact that I lied to the cat's owner when she got home that I hadn't seen a/her cat on the stoop was a particular low-point. In the end, I got the job[!?], the cat was returned [never again to be very friendly to me], and i tried very hard to just be on time in order to avoid similar incidents.)
So, freedom. A concept. A consideration. (A George Michael song.) I find myself currently staring at door #1, behind which seems to be a whole empty room of unknowns. I'm pretty sure door #2 and 3 hold more of the same sameness that I'm used to—assumptions, judgments, limitations. First I find that by telling my fears out loud, I'm actually being heard. Of course this also has to do with whose on the listening end. I tried it the other night...terrified of an unknown road that I thought was leading into a relationship cul-de-sac (round-and-round I was afraid of going), and found that this stretch of emotional highway actually led somewhere really excellent: a welcome mat where neither one nor the other of us disappeared behind a proverbial closed door, and where I learned that patience, saying what I need, trusting and allowing us to take our time, even when our timing or needs are not altogether the same, is a good&necessary thing.
I also now know that when my mind thinks it wants to move my body a certain way in class (or anywhere, really)—because though I tell myself to let go, I am so often already moving two steps ahead of myself—that suddenly and recently my body just won't follow. Happened last night, I had this great idea for a climb I wanted to do and instead couldn't make it even one pull up. Slipped right down and crumpled on the floor. Not a bad thing. didn't hurt myself. Freedom looked pretty geeky. in the end, i didn't care. totally unknown territory to me.
This sunday, watching the marathon from the sidelines will be an emotional unknown. Having been one of those in the pack for the last three years, I have no idea the rollercoaster of stuff I may feel as I cheer on friends and strangers. But I do now have the freedom to stay up past 9PM the night before and therefore got to make plans with my honey to go out. that's pretty cool.
more chances for unknown places.
Early for work one morning. freedom to...er, play?
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