Last night I went gaga (not the Lady kind) with one of my merry dance luvuhs. It's an extraordinary movement class that flows through a solid hour of reaching, stretching, rolling, leaping, angling, twirling and beyond. It (literally and figuratively) brought up to the surface of my skin all kinds of amazing sensations. First off, I realized that my S experience has brought around a certain shamelessness when it comes to my hands on my body. It's an automatic go-to place that when in a setting resembling a movement studio, while wearing things that suggest i'm about to move, my hands suddenly rove all over myself. (And, to be honest, i sometimes catch myself going there even when I'm not in a studio. mi-honey--who's away right now following his passion, which is inspiring--will concur.) So as the class began to unfurl, and the teacher began to loosen us up, i noticed my hands making a beeline to my torso and arms and more. it was an interesting exercise to notice and then not to go there. to instead spread out my arms, take in the space and take up the space, too.
Another thing that happened was around the time he (the teacher) asked us to feel the space between our skin and our bones, to really expand our presence and feel how much room we can create within all the parts of us, i got jolted with some impatience and frustration aimed at myself. I suddenly felt a certainty beyond any i'd felt in awhile that i needed/wanted to fill up this space in me with something that feeds me creatively. that the time is now to stop being on pause and to hit play as I go toward what I want to do. I think it had something to do with the idea of expanding myself, and as i stretched, felt my bones reach and skin lift, I realized how much room is in there. and that made me think i've been assigning myself a very small playground to frolic in when in fact the space is much bigger. A little, I began to lash out in the movement (which was alright since that was the moment he was telling us to jump up and down and let go. BTW, who knew how difficult it is to leap up in the air with both feet leaving the ground over and over and over again. exhausting. in a good&challenging way). so there i was, hopping up and down, flailing my arms and becoming completely agitated about getting on with it. The IT being my desires. pursuing what's within my talents and accomplishments!
All this rises now because i've got a book in me (maybe more, but one for sure), and instead of putting it together and talking to agents, i've been channeling my energy toward other people's projects. Much like my last post about living out through other people's boundary pushing (and discovering how to have a tantrum when i'm told i can't cross a line, tho i like the line just fine), last night brought completely to the surface how i need to get back on my own track creatively and be honest with myself and the people around me regarding other projects. I've discovered (OK, i've always suspected, just didn't want to admit) that playing a secondary role that doesn't require my own pen to paper does not feed me. That I actually work better solo (product of being an only child maybe?), that I can talk myself out of doing my own creative works by way of helping out someone else's with nary a thought. Until of course something pushes me over the line of my own avoidance. In this case some bone and skin separating gaga movement on the heels of a boundary-breaking S assignment (thrown together with a little time-is-tick-tick-ticking away to the half century mark for me) breaks the barrier.
My assignment, before I convince myself that the skin has completely settled back onto my bones and i have no room for expansion: be brave, make that space my own by filling it with a project my heart goes toward. Do not stop. Do keep my eye (whichever one i need) on the shiny object of my creative affection.
PS: the MDL (MerryDanceLuvuh) that I took class with last night has an amazing blog herself, and this posting dovetails perfectly with where I'm going (click on: Buddha Becky )
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