let it be...

A couple of reasons I'm using this picture: 1) the sight of a beach towel, even with the illustration of some strange creature wearing a bathing suit and wack-a-doodle glasses, is much needed to remind me that there is a season when sunshine bathes this part of the world in warmth; 2) it also brings home to me the fact that I can buy (into) aggravation (pepper spray) or take a chance and let go of of control (Bingo/Poker Chips).

This week has given me the opportunity to either roll with the moment or perpetuate an ongoing game where there are no winners. But the challenge for me is to stay in the game by listening fully, finding what rings true, accepting it and then being present for whatever follows. I know that for the most part, we all just want to be heard (and, in many cases, seen), yet I'm finding that to just be still and accept, to do nothing but listen without judgment or anger, is truly a challenge. I instead want to yell out "How do you not know me?" or disappear altogether from her life. To stay put with my mouth/mind quiet and my arms/heart open feels incredibly hard. But that idea also tantalizes me as being a relief. Wow, what a concept: to just listen and whatever the other person says or sees is fine, because it's their perception. It doesn't have anything to do with truth. As I begin to understand this concept of giving and receiving, and being present in the experience, i'm reminded of a buddhist idea that mi-honey has mentioned: someone offers you a "gift," you can accept it or decline it. Either way, no right, no wrong, the choice remains my own, as does the choice of what to do with that "gift," if I choose to reach out and take it.

This week in class I had a dance that challenged me to let go of all intentions. Naturally, being me, I'd gone in with all kinds of ideas about how the song I chose would be cathartic, that I'd not compromise on my movement, I'd get it all out, yadayadayada. And naturally, when my dance began, none of that happened. For a minute I just sat still, entertained the thought of not moving at all. didn't move for awhile, then a little something rose up and i felt like i was starting from square one, moving around the room, seeing what was going on in other corners, a little annoyed, yet also completely not giving a damn about how clumsy and (apparently, according to the teacher) primitively I was moving. the song was short, and the realization came: sometimes a dance is just a dance. a mom is just a mom. a daughter just a daughter. a gift given. accepted in love. roll the dice and let the chips fall where they may. And sometimes a little pepper (tho not the spray) can spice things up too.

and here's the thing about that last bit written: I don't want to end this entry glibly. i don't actually know how to end it, because it's ongoing. so again, to not do things as i normally do...