bound

held. hostage. resistance. those themes are running like a thread through my thoughts and my life right now. i wonder sometimes about the way seemingly disparate moments connect; how world's collide even when each mental continent seems to be sitting alone in its own time zone.

I'm working on a book proposal right now that has to do with corsets: the way they held/hold a woman's life in ways beyond just the physical. As I'm researching and reading (a process i enjoy so much that i could disappear down the rabbit hole and do that only...oops, time to take what I've found and write), I'm fascinated by the emotional binding that goes hand in hand with the physical lacing. The impression that, while often uncomfortable, the feel of being held tightly (even if it was just in the way of a silk, whaleboned encasement) was desired, sought after. How woman after woman talks about her sense of safety inside the constriction, the feeling of control even with diminished ability for movement.

I've been thinking about how it is that what is perceived one way is really experienced in a whole other manner. What is assumed to be a hindrance or hardship can be[is?] an actual lifeline. it's got me investigating the ways in which i bind myself to certain thoughts and patterns that are oftentimes too tightly laced for me to have free movement. But i still feel safe there and pause around loosening the stays and breathing deeper. i notice things from this perspective and realize that it's a gradual easing of those binds. sometimes i take myself hostage, metaphorically speaking, keep myself in a small area though i hear voices coming from the other room; and this then has me eye-spying a crawl space large enough to escape. but there are times i just want to know the way out is there, i don't actually want to use it...yet. I understand the psychological hold that feeling bound can have and for the longest time in class i wanted (and did to some degree) explore that. The space is as large (or small) as i want to make it, and somehow knowing that allows me to take my time unlacing my fears and joys, even with real and self-imposed deadlines.

so of course i had an opportunity with a recent assignment in class to play with the physical and emotional places hostage taking and resistance take me. i wore my corset (the real one that lives in my drawer) and explored the give and take of how it let me move. I gave in to it sometimes and other times railed against it. i forgot it was there for a minute, got tangled up in the laces (while trying to take it off, which was unsuccessful) and finally gave myself completely away to the feeling of its encasement, learned how to breathe in it and resisted it taking me over. and in the end i embraced it, realizing that no matter how i constrict myself, i still know how to untie the knot, pull the end of the string and take in air a little deeper. I can play with the resistance so as to be both challenged and held. the possibilities abound.