suspension

something interesting I'm discovering: you don't need to know where your feet are going to land in order to make a leap. In fact, it seems near-on impossible to know where one will end up after launching into the mid-air of life. While I enjoy a nice intention just like the next person, and do sense that they keep me on track (in fact deadlines, as discussed in previous posts, are almost like lifelines to me; hence my choice of professions), I'm certainly finding that no matter the situation I'm going toward, it seems to work better if i can suspend fear and just go. This comes front and center for me right now on the instance of an emotional opening (my heart, which has grown shiny in the love department), a cosmetic alteration (my hair, which has freed me up in the how-I-move-in-the-world space), and now a creative opportunity rises up in front of me (a writing project about something near and dear to me). Out of those three situations, only one does not strike a particular terror of expectation in my heart. (Hint: it's the one that has only to do with me-myself&the hairdresser.)

In the heart department, the rhythm is being found nicely in all kinds of ways—even when I can't quite find words for the feelings—and that's good, humbling and exhilarating all at once. It's the creative space where doing something I adore and having it well received (or even just received at all) is causing me to hatch all kinds of escape plans. It's interesting to watch while I attempt to run from something that promises to be fun, challenging and, ultimately, incredibly important for my growth. Although I'm not certain I was that much more fearless when I was younger, I do feel as if I had a kind of blind faith that wherever I landed would be interesting, whatever I said yes to I could handle. There's a majority of me that still feels that way, yet an extra layer's been scooped on top regarding the not doing it at all...would it really matter? Of course not in the very much larger picture, but absolutely yes in the sense-of-self arena.

When I got the job at Spin, I knew, the person who recommended me knew, even the guy hiring me had an inkling that this position was a bit above my head. I remember standing in the executive editor's office as it was offered thinking, Really? Can I do this? while out of my mouth came the words, Absolutely I can do this! I'll take it. It was a great day and a fabulously frightening moment. There was no backing down. And I did do it, even when I felt like i was drowning I did it and not altogether badly, either. That the end of that particular adventure came because I didn't stick up for myself enough, hadn't quite gotten over the sense that I never really deserved to be there, is a situation I continue to try and learn from.

Lately, dancing in the studio, I've been told to stay in my power. I'm succeeding in that much more and with incredibly satisfying results. I leave feeling as if I could wrap myself around anything and it wouldn't matter whether it went the way I thought it would or not, I'd still be standing. This is the sense of power that I want (in fact need) to bring to my writing life. No good living in the space of Oh well, why try? Instead: Hell yes, I can step into this. And of course I can. Much like a marathon, it's one mile at a time. Then the line is crossed, whether it's the finish line or a line of our own making. No predicting what the ground will look like underneath. I'm going to attempt to heed the words of tightrope walkers and action heroes the world over: Don't look down. Keep your eyes forward. You'll be just fine.

This radio lab is amazing and on topic. How we ask for help and bring the muse!
also, the photos I use of dancers (not me) are part of the amazing Ballerina Project, which uses NYC as a backdrop for beautiful juxtaposed moments of dance and city. click on to find out more!