the big ask

i make a lot of stuff up. all the time. about a lot of things. and when i do that, i often forget that maybe all i have to do is ask and i'll find out something closer to the truth (whatever that is...).

for instance: when my ex and i split up, i got custody of his big, old cat, along with my own slightly smaller, old cat. they did seem a set and the ex was moving to Cali, so it just made sense. plus, the boy-cat, although ornery and high-maintenance, was also lovable in his own way. As the years have passed, this furry beast has become a bit more, er, beastl-y. in all honesty, he's just responding to the fact that his body is breaking down, as bodies are wont to do as they get older. and he's got some particular problems (diabetes, near-blindness, weird inner-ear issues) that have been intensifying over the last little while. for a while now i've been harboring some anger at the ex for not being more present in taking care of him (namely to the tune of dollars and cents), and when i moved in with my honey a few months ago, i even entertained the thought of having the ex sublet my place, cats and all (i know, totally wrong-headed idea, but sometimes i'm crazy like that). Anyway, in the last weeks, the boy-cat has been slipping a bit and i stood on the edge of a decision to put him to sleep, as quality of life seemed seriously impaired. So I sent out a message that this action may be imminent, but it weighed on me. i just couldn't bring myself to do it, and the boy seemed somewhat ok and it was just a damn quandry. an either/or, life/death question. then, upon talking to my mom and mi honey, it was posed to me: why not ask the ex to come and get his cat for the duration? of course i made up that a big No-can-do would be the response. Imagine my surprise when the message back was, Yes. I will take him if that's what you want. When's a good time to pick him up? I felt nauseous suddenly. I'd gotten what I wanted, so why did i feel so confused? i'm just not used to it: the asking and the affirmative. when i think all i'm going to get is a No, then i talk myself out of asking. I also do that awesome thing of assuming i'm not right in asking in the first place. wacky. getting this Yes put me in the position of getting what i wanted, and while i'd like to say that gave me a rush, it actually totally threw me off kilter. did i really want this? (actually, yes, i'm ready for the furry boy to spend what he's got left with the guy who took him as a kitten. and me to have some breathing room from his caretaking.) The Yes also let me know that i can always ask, and again, that makes me nervous, tho the powerful part of it is slipping in. I can be prepared for No's, in fact i may be more used to that. but again, i'm sure i've made that up...i get Yes's just as much.

so i tested the asking again. going to get cat food(?!?!?! seriously, a theme here?), i was in what appears to be the most popular grocery store in all of the universe: Whole Foods, Chelsea (apparently it's their special sauce...). the check out line snaked through the store (seriously). BUT at the coffee bar spot in the back of the store there was no one. nada. i was sure the counter lady was bored silly. so i asked her if i ordered something with caffeine, could i pay for my stuff. Yes. Crazy...and this time it felt good to trip past the line-drones on my way out of the store. just ask, i thought.

i've got a few good things on my list-of-now-future to ask for. so even if i make stuff up, as i will no doubt continue to do, as long as i remember to open my mouth and pose a question...why not?

(boy cat on left, girl furry on right)

BTW: because no post would be complete without a little dancy-dance mention, here tis: Dance Luvuhs and I went to see Karole Armitage's new program this week. Truly crazy wonderful. She is by far in my top-5 of choreographers (Jacoby & Pronk in there as well). Her boldness, braveness and all around rad sense of self is beyond inspiring. She was actually one of my first blog postings (January 2010) and my passion about her work and her coolness has changed not one bit. As a mature woman who is doing what she wants, creating how she wants and succeeding, she inspires me. one of her quotes that i feel embodies dance and life is this: “Seek beauty. Show mutability. Move like a blaze of consciousness. Perfection is the devil. Express the eroticism of gravity.” Next to Rumi, she has become someone whose words speak to me powerfully.
Here's a clip of the third part of the show: a merging of toe shoes and rock chords that is stultifying. chaos and love. Drastic Classicism:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP-0bDaGGvI
Also: one of my dance luvuhs has an awesome blog. her last post perfectly encapsulates how the intersection of the Armitage and life come together. check it out: Buddha Becky.