Ripples

I feel it before I open my eyes to see. It's the sensation that the nerve endings just under my skin are vibrating, like my body is riding a wave of emotion that's coming to the surface...and it ripples up from my toes, calves, thighs, lips, stomach, chest, arms, fingers. I open my eyes and even in the dark I can see the pulse of me beating. I'm actually terrified but I have to go into this. (As my good friend S said to me last month, "you can't take anyone where you haven't been yourself" when we were talking about me+ dance therapy=future.) I've got to go into my fire.

I'm in a new S class and it truly is like being reborn. I don't have the swagger of being one of the OG girlS falling into the arms of ladies I've been with for years, welcoming the newbies. Knowing the type of music I'm going to hear, the kind of moves I'm going to see/do. I have no template or roadmap. I've never shown myself to these women before. And I'm conflicted. I miss what I know, my comfort zone. I still dearly love those ladies that I have history with. But I need this jolt, jostle and re-jigger. And I'm humbled by being welcomed into this new room, new teacher, new claSSmates. I know this is what I need. It's inspiration in slow motion.

Tonight, as I started to move against the wall for my dance, I could feel that ripple rising, and I covered my face, then finally let my hands fall away to other parts of me that needed me more. Trying not to hide. I really seriously thought about breathing and let it take me from move to move. And it felt bracing, exposing and a bit gutting. I know I have to just let all this come. I kept reaching and recoiling at the same time. Then I crawled to the chair. All I wanted to do was curl up in the lap of the lovely who was sitting there. I know I could have. She told me afterward that she would have made room for me. Held me probably. But I rolled away, again working against my comfort. When it was done, the words that C, my new body reader, said to me (just a few to start with): rage, fear. And said completely in support, in moving forward. This is the beginning, again. The first time from this spot. I'm amazed at how scared I am. Amazed at how I can't stop crying. I start to feel impatient, but that's just my little bully kicking my ass, saying I should just get over it and get on with it. That I don't have the right to take this time. fuck that. I'll take all the time I want.

And this time round, I'm not using any power tools to blast through to the other side. However long, I'm going to ride it and keep all my senses open for where it takes me.