space invaders

I was never drawn to video games, and the one that this title name checks was never even a temptation for a number of reasons. First there was the electronic soundtrack that just made me want to cue up Gary Numan's "Cars" on my record player, then there was the glassy-eyed stare people took on once they grabbed the joy stick, oh...and then there was the fact that i wasn't good at any of them (maybe PacMan, but i might be making that up). but while i can live with the fact that this Atari classic wasn't for me, the two words "space" and "invaders" suddenly resonates with a whole new meaning for me right here, right now.

Today i reflected on how lucky i am. while there's no doubt i'm shown this every minute of every day, this particular sunday i was lucky enough to embrace through movement, vision and conversation with friends what it is to truly know that i'm held. all of this began to really open up last week starting with a brunch with friends where i felt flat out how easy it is to just be me, in my body, no pretense ever. then, during a conversation with a friend at a juice joint, my eyes were popped open to the availability of balance in life. As the week unfolded and i canceled a dinner with two of my favorite ladies, they let me know it was ok to be selfish (i applied that word to it, tho not in a bad way) and they'd stand next to me, lift me, hold me, prop me if need be. and there was today, where i learned what it is to move in beauty and trust and came home to have a conversation with a dear friend who slid me a tile for me to lay into my life's mosaic.

And here's where the space invading comes in: it's time for me to do some of that. One of the tidbits of talk i had today with my fellow dance luvah was her observation that i don't claim&hold my space when i'm moving with people. and this, in fact, rang very true: i'll take as much as i can when i'm solo: roll, stomp, tumble. but if i find myself in a close cluster, or reaching for the pole and another comes along to claim the space as well, i defer, move away, find another spot. what rings in my head as i write this thinking about those moments: don't make a fuss. make do with what you have. would you really know what to do with it, even if you got it? do you really deserve it?

whew, that's a lot of posits, and it reminds me that i've always thought i moved through my life like that: take up as little space as i can, that way no one will expect anything. yet in reality, i express myself emotionally in the exact opposite way. i hold out my hand, i give an embrace, i listen and wrap people's words into my thoughts and actions just as they do mine. i'm not shy. so my inner thoughts/outer actions are not altogether synced. if there was a life syncing option as there is on iTunes, i'd plug myself in, but the reality is that the holding and claiming of space is mine to find. to ask for.

When i first started working at SPIN, i arrived the first day to find my office was the supply closet. I kid you not, this is not a moment from the movie Brazil. this was the space they had cleared for me the day before, wedged in a desk (damn near knocking down the door frame), grabbing a lamp off the shelf and calling it mine. my title was senior editor, my space was supplier of the stapler. but i didn't make a peep. i think my thoughts ran along the lines of "I can live with this. at least i have an office." Okay, so really? my go-to moment was Thank you sir for giving me any space at all, rather than WhatThaF&%k is this? You expect me to work here? And as time went on, this message was played out over and over until i left that supply closet behind for something completely different. Thinking: change of scenery, bring on the respect. But i continued to short-shrift my corner of the world.

I've often prided myself on my easy-going ways, but i'm aching for more space to celebrate myself inside of. i am lucky enough to have awesome people to share that real estate with, if i so choose. and if i pull a greta garbo and want to be alone, that's cool too. so i'm off to claim me some land.

(Also, i just discovered the link function on this blog, hence the plethora of click-on options in this entry. and here's one more: On The Media did a show today on the curious case of why women don't honk their own horn when it comes to their incredible abilities in the workplace. Quite worth the listen and/or read of the transcript.)