when it rains it pours

Today i ran a half marathon and i wasn't really prepared. yet i did it, and while i feel it's aftermath much more than i normally do (primarily in the maneuvering of stairs and how my knees and thighs feel in the process), i realize that i can finish what i start and how powerful my mind and body are to push me through. what i really realized, though, is that there are certain things you can do, that with just a bit more preparation, will leave you feeling better in the end. I've known that intrinsically for awhile, yet somehow I'll get all superwoman about it and think, Bring it on, I can handle it. Well of course i can handle it, the question is more along the lines of How will i experience the aftermath. With today, i'm actually ecstatic to have done what i did today: joining a friend in a 40-degree rain and running a couple of times around Central Park with a bunch of kick-ass ladies. And recognizing I could have been better trained was an incredibly good lesson for me to remember. humbling really.

When I got home, a message was waiting for me about a date that had been planned for later in the afternoon. he was canceling and i wasn't at all surprised. disappointed, but not surprised because this particular person had been arriving but never actually landing for months. And i felt a certain relief to be able to put down the flashlight in my attempt to bring this baby down the runway. Now i may be functioning on a larger than average amount of endorphins today, but i'm realizing that more than not lately i'm less inclined to play with the gun once i've dodged the bullet. in other words, where in the past i would have still held on to a certain outcome, hoped to hear in future, thought there may still be something for me to do get what i think i think i want, i'm now so relieved to roll with whatever comes and realize that it's going exactly as it needs to. That when or if an intimacy with someone is right, i'm open to that, but i'm also very happy to recognize that it's not good for me to be cavalier about what i can and cannot handle. to honor my fragility and humanness is the best thing i can do for myself. and to speak the truth about it comes part and parcel. to be able to let this person know that i was moving away from the arrivals gate felt really necessary and freeing.

As i soaked happily in the tub tonight, giving thanks for what my body can do and honoring what i do for the whole of me, i included thanks that the universe takes care even when it looks like it's not.