icky thump...

This weekend i was riding at sunset on the westside highway bike path when i heard a sound that i would like to soon forget, but know will stay with me for quite awhile: thud, scream, yelp. As a knot clinched my stomach, i turned around to see a woman and her dog lying in the crosswalk. She'd been hit by a turning car as she'd been crossing the street. In the moment between freezing and moving toward her (weird surreal, no-time-zone moment), the thought passed through my mind that i didn't know what i was going to see when i got to her but i kept moving anyway. Luckily there happened to be a doctor on his bike who stopped, called 911 and was already by her side. Myself and another two cyclists were the next ones to reach her.

The woman turned out to be conscious, no blood, and we were told this was a good thing. The dog, a tiny little terrier, was fine and had nestled immediately into her arms, looking around as if to protect her as much as it could. When the cops arrived, they took her little dog and put it in their car. And that is when she lost it. Initially, i thought it was cruel that the police were taking away what seemed to bring her comfort. But later, standing on the side talking to dr.-man, he told me that a) the paramedics needed to work on her unobstructed and even little tiny terriers can get worked up into snapping snarling menaces and b) the woman was finally focused on herself and no longer distracted by taking care of her pet. He said he'd often seen people keep it together in front of loved ones so as not to scare them, and only when alone in a room would they give vent to their feelings.

The b) explanation really stuck with me as i rode (super, extremely carefully) home. it made me think how many times i've not given full attention to my own emotions when i feel i have someone else to take care of instead. I totally did this when D and I split up. For some reason i felt i had to keep it together in front of him, even though he'd started the leaving party. Although, truth be, i was also terrified of fully accessing all my feelings because i was pretty sure i'd just fall apart humpty-dumpty and never get put back together again. So it was easier to pretend all was gonna be ok. (And of course, all was/is ok. Even better, actually, but that's mainly because i finally fell apart and figured out how to six-million-dollar myself back into action.) When my johnny-carcinoid tumor was on the scene back in that last decade, one of the main reasons i didn't want my mom or dad to come be with me was because i thought i'd have to keep it together for them. Brave face and all. That was far from true, and my mom did an awesome job of being there on the scene, while my dad gave long-distance support. But even in everyday moments, i'll not give full range to how i'm really feeling icky if i think it will bum someone out. It's not as if i'm leaning toward a full, spill myself out anytime/anywhere scene, but i am trying for a little more honesty in bringing myself to the surface and letting people who know me actually....know me. We'll see how that works.

This last weekend it was also suggested to me that i stop thinking and just move from my heart rather than my head. (I was also told to try breathing through my toes...don't even know how that works. If anyone out there has suggestions, i'm eager to know.) This follows completely the thread that's been running through my dance and the notes i hear. To imagine myself a blow-up doll was one comment, because then i'll actually take up the room that a 5'6" person would. To lay in the middle of the floor not moving if that's where my heart wants to be, because who cares what anyone else will think (& i'm lucky enough to have classmates who really would agree it's best for me to do nothing since they don't want me to entertain them. Hell, no). I struggle with turning down the sound in my head, with doing something just for me because i feel like it and not keeping it together for anyone else. I struggle.
my two-headed furry beast(s). they have no problem letting me know what they want/need. and when they want it, which is always now! i rarely let them cross the street alone.