I've always been of a mind that i had to bust my ass in order to get what i wanted. Don't we all grow up hearing that? You gotta work for your money, make every minute count...do the hustle. I mean, c'mon, those were the only words to the song and i dare anybody not to immediately get up and hustle to that baby. All the way though my career (read: life), i've felt like the only way i deserved to relax was if i worked extra hard. Bled a little for it. I'd often hope somebody would notice. But whether they did or not, i'd have to solve the problem. couldn't rest until i did. Couldn't let it fall apart.
One memorable pretty-much-went-to-hustle-hell event happened when I worked at Elektra records and had to take one Adina Howard, she of the "Freak Like Me" fame, down to Miami Beach for an MTV dance show. Wheee. what fun that was. First off, she and her ladies eyed me as their nemesis since it was my job to deny them almost everything they wanted. Plus, i in no way resembled anyone they'd want to be seen with, what with my pigtails and geekiness and them with their bodacious all-over-ness. I could handle them changing their rooms a half-dozen times to get a better view, their need for a running tab of room service that kept the kitchen and bar beating a path to the door, their desire to mani-pedi themselves to death before the taping. But what I couldn't let them do, had been told under no circumstances to allow, was for them to commandeer the limo driver for joy rides all over town after we'd done the requisite meet-and-greet dinners. So naturally our first night there, I looked over my hotel balcony to see Adina and her gals climbing into the back of the limo...noooooo...i ran like my pigtails were on fire to the lobby to watch the taillights pull out of the circular driveway, and with it any hopes that my budget would withstand the scrutiny. The next day I told Adina that this couldn't happen again. sure, yeah, she heard me. I talked to our driver. yeah, like he was going to refuse a freak like her? All-in-all, i couldn't hold it together. the trip was a series of "Where's Adina?" moments as she rode that driver...i mean car service...like she owned it. While i didn't lose my job, i took it as an indication that i didn't hustle enough. that i could have done something about the situation. handled it better. And all the while there was a voice coming up inside of me saying, There's nothing you could have done differently. Boy did i shut down that whisper, because, in my estimation, i don't care how mellow i seemed, i could always have hustled it better.
And i've been giving power to that voice pretty consistently ever since, until recently, when i've felt exhausted keeping my finger in every dike so that the supposed disaster waiting on the other side of the wall won't come crashing over. And for all i know, there's not even anything on the other side of the wall. So now I've decided i want full use of all my fingers again. I'm removing them from the holes. Whatever comes crashing or trickling or flowing over/through that wall, bring it. I'm ready to be courageous and go with the flow. I haven't really had the bravery before. And i'm not even saying that critically. just matter of fact. I wonder what is possible if i do nothing, just let things take their course. let stuff fall apart. What if i give my love and don't get what i want in return? What if my words and deeds just float out into the world cuz i set them sail, not on a recon mission to bring me back something, but to let them go without any expectations. just stand in it, let the flow move me, rather than me move the flow. Because, I don't know if you've noticed lately, one cannot control a flow once it's started (check the news for the sad part of that unfortunately man-made gusher).
I've been meeting this moment in class. the place i take many of my emotional baby steps . i've felt a shift in the studio as i've let myself slow down, wide open and floating. I'm not hustling anywhere. I'm not controlling anything. and damn if i haven't felt better and more present in my body when i don't care what it looks like. I'm tired of agitating away from the hard feelings. i've decided to make friends with them, namely loneliness and courage. I thought i'd animate them with some attributes. For some reason, the first image that came to mind for my loneliness was a pickle. seriously, i wasn't even at a barbecue when that image came. It's the first thing that came to me: a sour, scrunchy-faced, cold to the touch pickle (maybe a dill). so i'm gonna make friends with that little green thing, my loneliness. aside from being startlingly crunchy, it ain't gonna kill me.
As for my courage, that looks like a waterfall. free-flowing, ongoing, bracing and something that i can jump from and in to. i've walked away from that cliff so often. Haven't stayed in situations or relationships because i was scared or thought it better to disappear. So my courage will be the flow that me and my pickled loneliness can leap from, paddle in, float and go with the flow.
OK, I'm suddenly craving a BLT and some potato salad...
this is where i sit and watch mother nature bring the tide flowing in and out. there are no pickles in this picture.
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