journey (not the band)

This past winter, I went to a shaman gathering. Being a California girl who wasn't raised on a diet of any particular religion, i've always been curious about what goes on in the different belief systems that pop up door to door. Also, a combination of live percussion and interesting views on life and beyond will draw me in even faster. So there i was on a cold NYC night, in a downtown loft hearing a story about me. A few minutes earlier i'd been lying on the floor with the drum beating and a couple of people apparently feeling me and my vibes (not literally feeling me, mind you, but, ya know, esoterically speaking). When I sat up, one of the guys told me a tale of what he'd seen for me. He said (after a kind of lengthy preamble involving a bear and some fish and me being devoured by one..or both...i don't remember, but in essence i was totally lost up until this point): I was in a cave with an old woman who knew all the stories of the world. She was surrounded by a lot of young women, and she'd told bits and pieces of the story to each of them. The old woman was about to die and now it was my task to gather all the stories from each woman into one cohesive whole. My first thought was, Do I get a stipend for this? Then I felt suddenly exhausted and fled into the night with the thought filed away in my brain for future reference.

A couple of weekends ago, i went back to the shamans and another woman did a session with me. Afterward she told me that she felt i was a collector, that I drew people in to hear their stories, but that i had to be careful to not just hold onto everything without finding a way to release my own tales into the world. That i needed to think less, play more. Lead with my heart more than my mind. That's when the previous shaman tale started to ring true.

I started to think of all the incredible women i have in my life. Ones I've known for decades and years and months and all the way to just met—and even those who i've never seen face to face but exist in that weird world of social networking. Women who make me laugh, who challenge me, who bring really cool things into my life. It goes on and on. In the past, i was surrounded by a lot of men. In particular music business men who i often gave front and center attention to. Guy-ville was the place i tried to live and collect more stories. But one rock chick at the time came to override that moment...for a moment.

A good friend of mine was the manager of Hole, and so i got to know Courtney slightly pre-K.Cobain. She was by far the most intense, edgy rock woman i'd met (so far). I was both intrigued and scared shitless of her. For some reason she decided it would be a good idea to call me at wee hours of the morning to talk about feminism. I fancied myself a grrls grrrl, and was really flattered by this attention. But i was also exhausted and even though my job didn't seem like a real job sometimes, i still had to get up and turn up and edit and write every day, so there was that to consider. When the phone would ring, i would approach it with dread and titillation, a weirdly unsettling cocktail. But here was the thing: this was a totally one-sided conversation. she would talk. i would listen. occasionally grunt something. she would talk some more. At one point during our last conversation, I laid the phone down on the pillow and i dozed off. The next morning i was a little mortified, plus slightly curious about what i'd missed (but mostly mortified). she never called again after that, though she also didn't act weird or outraged when i saw her next (truth be told, i was terrified that she'd either scream at me or punch me in the nose).

Those were the early days of my listening and telling. Now i'd never lay the phone down to miss a story, though i honestly don't even like the phone, and much prefer face to face. I also am coming to understand how to pace myself so i can hear and say and be fully involved in what's up with my ladies and not frustrated because i'm too tired to listen. I feel really privileged to know such awesome women whose stories are shaping this planet. Guys are cool and all, but we ladies have some mighty good tales to tell. And we're living them, too.

(BTW: this is not me, but a photoshop'd thing that a friend
made with my head and Courtney's body. but it made me remember stories...
and made me think i could maybe go blonde.)