know nothing

Maybe it is too much to expect: the having it all moments. the communication, the great sex and friendship and love all in one relationship. The bank account that doesn't require constant tending. Or maybe it's more about the rigidity of holding on to an idea of what things are supposed to look like. The expectations. Seeing as how nothing ever looks like I think it will, I'm beginning to embrace this idea that I don't know anything. I mean, I know a lot of stuff about stuff...like I know my own address, I know now when I push the cork into the bottle too hard that the wine will explode onto my ceiling, I know if I don't squeeze my thighs together during certain inversions that I'll fall. Yeah, I know all that and a few other excellent, albeit practical, things, but I don't really know anything about what's around the corner or how I'm going to feel once I round it. And that's not an altogether unfortunate place to be. I think it probably allows for a lot of interesting surprises, which can be a good thing, but it also completely terrifies me.

I thought I was so sure that I wanted a guy in my life who was both my friend and my lover. I thought I wanted true love. I thought I wanted to share all those little moments with someone while feeling flush with the knowledge that lust would ensue. I think I still want all that, though I'm not sure how to let someone in that far and tend to go too fast in trying to bring it into being (hmmm, just like I do in my dance...). At least I think that's what I do. Clearly I'd been so resistent to having it all that I stayed in a marriage devoid of one-half the equation (sexual passion) and only stepped out of that after being told it was over. When I'm on my own, I know how to make myself smile and feel good in numerous ways, and I also have amazing women (and guys, too) in my life that fill me with endless joy. I see this picture from a past birthday party and I instantly recognize the letting-go and happiness on my face. And in that instance I was absolutely and completely in the moment. Feeling my presence and power and taking in all the good stuff around me from one movement to the next. That can happen a lot.


So as I get better at flowing from one move to the next, leaving aside the cerebral choreography that so complicates things during my movement in the studio, I also look toward freeing myself up and embracing the not knowing in all parts of my life. Letting go without feeling scared. Saying what I want without feeling needy or a pain in the ass. Trusting in the space I take up in the world without acting on the impulse to hurry through. To embrace the nothing, nada, zilch, 何もない, нищо, nic, mitte, faic, rien, hakuna kitu. Sweet nothings.