Not going to lie to you. I'm terrified: of being touched (both inside and out), of not being touched, of rising up and up and up and up and maybe breaking that ceiling I've erected over my head, of breaking myself wide open as I go through. Afraid I may drown in my tears while somehow feeling parched by a drought.
"Enter the eye of terror, find the fear unfounded." When I read that quote in a book by my bed, it dawned on me that it might be really necessary to actually live what I fear. Stop trying to be cool. To instead unspool into vulnerability and just feel it, go into whatever scares me most. Say the thing that will make me look soft, yet it falls from my mouth. Do the thing that strips me bare, and stand in it. No one's really looking.
I've been afraid for so long of what my body has been trying to tell/show me during class. And suddenly my hip circles are taking up the entire room (at least it feels that way. a wonder i'm not knocking the other ladies down). And of course it feels good even as I shudder to think what I'm going to do with all that room...I wonder how it's happening that I've never in my life cried so many tears as I have been, yet have never felt so satisfied with where I am in my life. To have so many desires, yet want for nothing.
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