on passion

"all of the sudden I found myself in love with the world, so there was only one thing I could do..." Al Jourgensen, Ministry

So apparently the man who lives upstairs has his bed placed directly over mine. This has become increasingly clear over the last month, as he has seemingly begun a relationship that makes him very, very happy. And I get to hear just how happy a few times a week. Truth be told, this makes me smile. I really like the sounds of full, unabashed, don't-hold-back ecstasy. To know someone's pleasure intimately is, I think, an amazing gift...not only to give but to receive.

And I don't mean just sexually, but in all ways. To ask, to stay in the moment of someone sharing, to open up enough to let it all in, to let the gift be given with nothing in return...this is really difficult for me. So often I've paid more attention to someone else's pleasure way beyond the valley of my own, that I forget I even have a need for that myself. I had forgotten in myriad ways how to say Yes and Please. I'm starting to say Yes more. Yes, you can help me with that. Yes, I will accept what you're giving me. Yes, I will take my time.

I'm finding as I linger more in the instances of my life, letting things unfold, unpeel, unveil that amazing-ness is revealed, even if my eyes are sometimes closed. I can feel it. So often lately I've discovered how thrilled I can be with many things around me, though not necessarily around me, if you know what I mean. For instance, I'm not feeling a particular passion for the guy who whacked me with his backpack on the train (though he didn't mean it) or the woman who full-on shoulder slammed me going down the subway tunnel (she actually did mean it), but weirdly it's a kind of passion that is carried way above the contact sports of my every day. And it's more potent than I expected.

A lot of this is coming as I realize how fine I feel being on this solo journey. I've discovered quite recently that I don't need to fill up the space around me with potential playmates, and that I actually find comfort in revealing myself for only the sake of myself. So the sound of my voice can join that chorus of Yes's to set me off on my own direction. Good word, that: Yes. I think just now I hear it coming through the floorboards....