on luck

There was a time when I felt I was a lucky girl, but I don't believe that anymore. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm incredibly fortunate to have the people and moments in my life that I do. As I sat on the floor of the studio today feeling and watching the awesomeness of our movement, I knew that I couldn't be anywhere better, but it's not luck that brings me here, this state of mind, this place in life. Courage, fear, work, forward motion (literally and figuratively), these have motivated me more than I've given them credit for.

I suppose it would be much easier to think it's all luck, right-place, right-time stuff, but I'm pretty sure I've given up my power consistently when I've gone down that road. I've avoided taking responsibility for a lot of kick-ass things in my life because I pretended it was the luck of the draw. Instead of wrapping around the realities of getting my journalism degree and being relentless in my pursuit of a job at a music magazine, I thought I just wore the editors at Rolling Stone down by being the intern that wouldn't leave. By taking this stance, I could shrug my shoulders and think, Wow, lucky me. And then proceed to be freaked out hoping they wouldn't turn around and say, "Oh, sorry, your luck just ran out." This scene played out in my head regarding so many things that it's a wonder I didn't just permanently hide out from everyone all the time in case they'd notice me and say, "Hmm, what's she still doing here?"

As a little girl, I had this top hat that I for some reason thought if I pulled it down over my head, I'd be invisible, and how lucky I'd be to go unnoticed: hear things I shouldn't, get into rooms with adults where I wasn't allowed to be, but of course the one time I pulled that hat over my face all that happened was that I tripped, fell and knocked out a tooth (one that the tooth fairy ignored). Definitely not a lucky move.

So luck is overrated. I know my dance is where it is because I'm listening, learning, paying attention to losing my fear and a bit of myself. It's not luck that has me swing, spin, climb, flip. It's strength and practice. Same with my running. But somehow when it comes to emotional situations I get nervous to face that my happiness is not a product of some lucky event, but a real process of knowing that I deserve it and staying with the moments accordingly. Taking care of myself, letting people in if it feels safe and I want their company, not just because they're there and I'm lucky to have them. Why does it make me nervous to have good things enter my life? Could it be that I think these wonders are out of my control, and therefore my luck could run out? Ultimately I find myself right here/right now feeling my terror collide with my excitement about what's ahead. This is not a lucky accident, it's an eyes-wide open event.